I had no idea how powerful eye contact can be?

"Profound eye contact can have a profound impact on people"

Our eyes are a major part of our non-verbal communication and perhaps the most important part.  It starts when we are babies and are bonding with our parents.   That eye contact conveys love and empathy.   We crave it all of our lives.   Done properly it can make you very persuasive.  

10 things good eye contact can do for you...

1.  Appear to be confident and competent

2.  Make you more likeable 

3.  Perceived as being trustworthy and sincere

4.  Appear to be attentive and appreciative

5.  More powerful

6.  Attractive

7.  Believable

8.  Appear to be wiser and smarter

9.  Charismatic

10. Empathetic

That's a pretty impressive list of benefits don't you think?   But of course we need to know how to do it right or we could end up creeping out or scaring someone off.   

6 things less eye contact will cause people to think of you...

1.  Distrustful

2.  Suspicious

3.  Lacking confidence

4.  Impersonal

5.  Uninterested

6.  Inattentive

Here's how to get it right..

Most people maintain eye contact around 70% of the time when they are talking and only 40% of the time when they are listening.   Not good!   We should strive to have eye contact 70-80% of the time both when we are talking and when we are listening.   If we were to maintain 100% eye contact it would be oft putting to the other person.  It would be just too stressful.   

Don't stare, that comes off as creepy and scary.   A soft focus relaxes our eyes and face.   This makes the other person more comfortable.   Accompanied by a smile and it can even feel charismatic.  

How to tell if someone likes you?

Our pupils dilate in darker light and when we see someone or something we like.    We can't control this, which is why you see card players wearing sunglasses in a bright room.   They want to hide their eyes so others can't read them.   So to know if someone is seeing or hearing something they really like, look to see if their pupils are dilating.   Cool, huh?

How to tell when someone is not buying what you are sellling...

When we don't like what we are hearing or seeing we tend to look away.   Yeah I know it's not fair however we are programmed to give more eye contact to attractive people and less to ugly people.   And if I like one product more than another, I can't stop myself from looking at it more.   So watch where their eyes go and it will tell you where their heart is.  

These are some of the techniques that mentalists use.   They appear to be reading your mind when they are actually reading your eyes.

What colour are their eyes?

Develop the habit of when you meet someone to look into their eyes to see what colour they are.   This will make them feel that you are giving them your full attention.   You will also find out that peoples eyes aren't just brown, blue or green.   They are a sea of shades of the dominant colour.   It's fascinating.  And as a bonus this will cause them to like you and bond quicker with you.  

A fascinating study...

A few weeks ago I was watching a program on PBS and they showing the results of a really fascinating study.   In the study they paired people off and had them look into each others eyes for 4 minutes.  They had the participants count the number of times the other person blinked.   This was just a ruse to help the people  get comfortable about looking into another persons eyes for a long time.

The results were amazing...

Everyone experienced an increase in likeability towards the other person.   Couples who had never met before felt attracted to the other person.  In some cases they later went on dates.

A couple that had been in a healthy relationship for 50 years was a really touching experience.   After the 4 minutes the husband started telling his wife how much she meant to him and how he wouldn't want to live without her.   The both teared up and started kissing and hugging.  Beautiful!

All who participated experienced increased trust and an interest in knowing more about the other person. 

Isn't that powerful?

Gut feelings..

People will often say, I just don't trust that person and I don't know why.   Or, I just don't feel right about so and so.    It may just be that you didn't give them sufficient eye contact.   They can't put their finger on it but it may just be that they are not getting the soft eye contact they crave.   Look back at that list of things less eye contact can cause people to experience?  And remember this...

Secrets of likeability and persuasion

"The idea of a self made man (or woman) is just one big myth"

It is possible to succeed without much help from others.   But that is a slow and painful process and rarely works.   The truth is that our success is most often determined by our interpersonal skills.   We need as many people as possible on our side and as few or better none working against us.   And we need the ability to persuade and influence others to help us reach our goals.

"Given the choice we prefer to do business with those we like"

Likeable traits such as honesty, dependability, respect cannot be just turned on and off.   Others are watching and if they see that you are nice when you want something and then dismissive to those who can do nothing for you, they form a negative opinion of you.  Sometimes all it takes is one person bad mouthing you behind your back to destroy an opportunity for you.

How can I improve my likeability and ability to persuade?

Seek the similarities

The more we have in common with someone the more likeable they think they are.   Every similaritiy counts.....

* are you from the same town
* do you cheer for the same team
* do you enjoy the same sports
* do you like the same movies, books or music
* do you like the same activities
* do you have kids the same age

The list could go on endlessly but you get the idea.    Find some similarities and your odds of being liked go up.   And as your likeability goes up so does your ability to persuade and influence. 

Mirror the other person

Mirroring the other person creates trust and comfort with you.   Here are some ways to mirror another person...

* mirror their body movements (make sure to pause 2-4 seconds before you mimic their movement or you'll be perceived as disingenuous.
* mirror voice...including pace, volume, vocabulary, expressions and tone

Mirroring is something lovers and close friends do quite naturally.   So when you mirror someone they start to feel that you have a connection with them.   Their resistance drops, they get comfortable with you and are open to your suggestions.

The Power of Touch

Yes I realize this is a touchy subject (pun intended).  But humans crave touch.  We frequently seek touch from those we like.   Understanding how to use touch can increase your likeablility and your persuasion powers.

Their is a safe zone for touch which is from the shoulder to the hand.    A hug or arm around the shoulders or waist is only appropriate with someone you already have a relationship with. 

How to use touch..

Warm up your hand when possible before shaking hands.   My favorite trick is hold a hot coffee in my hand.   That way when you shake hands your hand will be nice and warm.   You've heard the expression warm hands = warm heart.   Well psychologically that is exactly the message that gets conveyed.

Touch and request..

A manager who puts his hand on an employees shoulder and then asks him to do something has just drastically increased the odds that the job will get done quicker and better.    He is also creating a bond between himself/herself and the employee.  Likeability goes up as does respect.   We like those who seem to like us.   It's powerful stuff if used properly

Another variation is to make a request while shaking hands.  For instance, a salesperson might shake hands with a client and at the same time say something like this.....Thanks for giving me some of your time,  would you mind if I called your again next week Bill?    It is very difficult to say no to a request when you are making physical contact with another person.

It is very persuasive to use their name

This is the simpliest and yet proably one the most persuasive techniques you can use.   We love hearing our name spoken.   So start and end every conversation with a persons name.   When you use this method I guarantee you will notice a slight difference in the other person.   Your name is you!   So when you use another persons name frequently you are recognizing them as a person.   Powerful stuff for managers, sales staff and anyone who wants to persuade another. 

Remember....close with their name!   Whether it is a conversation, an email, letter or text end with the persons name.   You don't need to sign an email off with your name, they know who you are.   Instead close a conversation or email with something like this....I appreciate your time and I'll look forward to talking to you again Dan!

Have some fun...

It takes a lot of mental energy being around people who are too serious.   It is draining.   We seek and love levity.   Yes, there are times when we need to be serious but those are rare.   We love being around and doing business with those who are light hearted.   So have some fun!

I have lots more I could say but as Mark Twain said....a good talk (or article)  should be like a womans dress.   Long enough to cover the main points and short enough to maintain interest.   (sorry ladies I couldn't resist)

The clever ways marketers prime us to buy

It's those gut feelings or intuitions that cause people to act.   And those gut feelings are primed by emotions.  So if you are tying to sell or influence  someone whether it is a product, service or idea, you would be wise to think carefully about how to prime your clients emotions.

Here are some ways to prime someones gut feelings....

Appearance..

People tend to accept whatever it is that your project.   Does your appearance reflect how you want to accepted as?   Expensive clothes and accessories prime us to assume wealth and success.   I'll be the first to admit that the whole 'dress for success' thing rubs me wrong.   However, unless you enjoy doing things the hard way, it might be to your great advantage to invest more in your appearance.

Warm handshakes prime us to think of warm hearts..

My simple trick is to hold a cup of coffee in my right hand when meeting someone and then transferring it to my left hand just before shaking hands.   The other person gets a nice warm handshake.   That primes them to find you more likeable and to feel like you are more trustful.   Cool idea...huh?

70% of people surveyed are unsure whether they have a great handshake.   So get someone to evaluate yours.   You just might be surprised how a little change can make a big difference.

Formal places prime us have formal interactions...

Sometimes its better to take someone offsite in a less formal and more relaxed environment if we want to get a closer relationship.

Soft comfy chairs prime people to lower their resistance...

Hard chairs and rough surfaces prime us to be more critical.

Sounds...

Christmas music (at Christmas time only) primes us to spend more.   Classical music in a wine store primes people to buy more expensive wines.   And hearing others say our name is the sweetest sound to our ears.   Hearing our name primes us to like the other person.   Use it generously.

Colours...

Blue is the colour of trust.   Red is the colour of passion.   Brown is the colour of reliability. Yellow is cheerful and uplifting.  White is pure.   Not sure what colours to use for your logos and presentations etc.   Just google it.

Smells...

Realtors have know for a long time that the smell of baking bread or fresh coffee brewing primes clients to feel at home.    Citrus and the smell of windex prime people to more honest.   Lavender primes people to relax and even make them sleepy.  Airlines are playing with smells to try and prime us to relax and enjoy our flight in those long tubes we call planes.

Words...

Some words prime resistance.    Here are just a few words never to use and a much better alternative..

Bad choice.....                Much better...

sign here.                        approve this
contract                          agreement
cost                                investment

Ok, this is just a little teaser of some of the many ways marketers and influencers are priming us to buy their products and ideas.