It's not who you know..

"The idea of a self made man (or woman) is just one big myth"

It is possible to succeed without much help from others.   But that is a slow and painful process and rarely works.   The truth is that our success is most often determined by our interpersonal skills.   We need as many people as possible on our side and as few or better none working against us.   And we need the ability to persuade and influence others to help us reach our goals.

"Given the choice we prefer to do business with those we like"

Likeable traits such as honesty, dependability, respect cannot be just turned on and off.   Others are watching and if they see that you are nice when you want something and then dismissive to those who can do nothing for you, they form a negative opinion of you.  Sometimes all it takes is one person bad mouthing you behind your back to destroy an opportunity for you.

How can I improve my likeability and ability to persuade?

Seek the similarities

The more we have in common with someone the more likeable they think they are.   Every similaritiy counts.....

* are you from the same town
* do you cheer for the same team
* do you enjoy the same sports
* do you like the same movies, books or music
* do you like the same activities
* do you have kids the same age

The list could go on endlessly but you get the idea.    Find some similarities and your odds of being liked go up.   And as your likeability goes up so does your ability to persuade and influence. 

Mirror the other person

Mirroring the other person creates trust and comfort with you.   Here are some ways to mirror another person...

* mirror their body movements (make sure to pause 2-4 seconds before you mimic their movement or you'll be perceived as disingenuous.
* mirror voice...including pace, volume, vocabulary, expressions and tone

Mirroring is something lovers and close friends do quite naturally.   So when you mirror someone they start to feel that you have a connection with them.   Their resistance drops, they get comfortable with you and are open to your suggestions.

The Power of Touch

Yes I realize this is a touchy subject (pun intended).  But humans crave touch.  We frequently seek touch from those we like.   Understanding how to use touch can increase your likeablility and your persuasion powers.

Their is a safe zone for touch which is from the shoulder to the hand.    A hug or arm around the shoulders or waist is only appropriate with someone you already have a relationship with. 

How to use touch..

Warm up your hand when possible before shaking hands.   My favorite trick is hold a hot coffee in my hand.   That way when you shake hands your hand will be nice and warm.   You've heard the expression warm hands = warm heart.   Well psychologically that is exactly the message that gets conveyed.

Touch and request..

A manager who puts his hand on an employees shoulder and then asks him to do something has just drastically increased the odds that the job will get done quicker and better.    He is also creating a bond between himself/herself and the employee.  Likeability goes up as does respect.   We like those who seem to like us.   It's powerful stuff if used properly

Another variation is to make a request while shaking hands.  For instance, a salesperson might shake hands with a client and at the same time say something like this.....Thanks for giving me some of your time,  would you mind if I called your again next week Bill?    It is very difficult to say no to a request when you are making physical contact with another person.

It is very persuasive to use their name

This is the simpliest and yet proably one the most persuasive techniques you can use.   We love hearing our name spoken.   So start and end every conversation with a persons name.   When you use this method I guarantee you will notice a slight difference in the other person.   Your name is you!   So when you use another persons name frequently you are recognizing them as a person.   Powerful stuff for managers, sales staff and anyone who wants to persuade another. 

Remember....close with their name!   Whether it is a conversation, an email, letter or text end with the persons name.   You don't need to sign an email off with your name, they know who you are.   Instead close a conversation or email with something like this....I appreciate your time and I'll look forward to talking to you again Dan!

Have some fun...

It takes a lot of mental energy being around people who are too serious.   It is draining.   We seek and love levity.   Yes, there are times when we need to be serious but those are rare.   We love being around and doing business with those who are light hearted.   So have some fun!

I have lots more I could say but as Mark Twain said....a good talk (or article)  should be like a womans dress.   Long enough to cover the main points and short enough to maintain interest.   (sorry ladies I couldn't resist)

Secrets Of Con Artists





Confession...

While I was studying how con artists work, I came to the realization that they use a lot of the same techniques  I teach in persuasion courses.   YIKES!   The only difference between con artists and me is 'intent'.  

I teach persuasion techniques in order for you and clients to reach a mutually beneficial outcome.   However, there is always the possiblity that some people will use them to manipulate you.  I'm comfortable with my intent.

So how do con artists work?

1.   Extreme likeability.   Con artists appear to be generous and kind.  The will often give you small gifts or do you favors to win your confidence. They project warmth and sincerity and confidence.   The attitbutes of people we might say are charismatic.

2.  Client intelligence or should I say victim intelligence.   A con artist wants to know everything possible about his/her mark.   They want to know your likes and dislikes.   To gather this 'intel' they will search your social media, do internet searches and ask a ton of questions to get to know you. The idea is to get you to talk twice as much as they do.  And who doesn't like to talk about themselves?

3.  Seek the similarities.   First they want to find out everything they can that they share in common with you.   Next, they will fake similarties to further gain your confidences.   They want to appear to be similar to you so that you will lower your resistance.  This builds trust and likeability. Often it will feel to their victim that they have found their soul mate or a brother or sister. 

4.  Ask for a small favor followed by a much bigger favor.   This is the 'Ben Franklin' principal.   Old Ben found out that if you ask for a small favor, the other person starts to like you (after all he did a kindness for you) and then is more open to a bigger favor later.  This has been researched and proven to work.

5.  Learns your emotional triggers.   Your passions, your hurts and your desires.  And most common amongst con artists is to appeal to your greed.

6.  Listen and make adjustments.   Not every con goes smoothly so they are careful to listen and observe everything you do and say.    They need to pay attention to your body language....to read you like a book.  Only when everything looks positive will they attempt to give you their amazing pitch or plead for your help.

7.  Show immense gratitude and appreciation for who and what you are.  It is difficult not to like and trust someone who sees the greatness in you that others don't appreciate. 

8.  Repeat back what you say to them.   This makes you feel like they really are paying intense interest in you.

9.  To gain your respect they will show you their (fake)  accomplishments and credentials.  This works even  better if someone else does the bragging about the con's attibutes.  After all he is too humble to brag, right?

10.   Only after they feel that you like, trust and respect them will they make the pitch that is going to seperate you from your money.

I'm not trying to teach anyone how to be a con artist however how can it not be a good thing to know how they operate.   If you gut instinct tells you something isn't right..trust it.   However, if we all good at that intution thing no one would ever get conned. 

Bonus....whenever someone is trying to sell you something observe how many of these techniques they are using?  It will be an eye opener.   Cheers!

Using gestures will make you more persuasive

Whether you are making a speech, giving a presentation or trying to persuade someone to your point of view, understanding how to use gestures can make you more persuasive.    As you can see from this chart the experts tell us that body language (which includes gestures) is the most important element in being powerfully persuasive...

Here are the most important gestures and what they mean..

Hands at a 90 degree angle and fingers together conveys confidence in what you are saying.

Hands open with palms down means you are certain about what  you are saying.

Hands open with palms up means you are asking for something from your audience.

Hands open with palms at a 45 degree angle means you are being open and honest.

Hands to your chest or on your heart is meant to convey honesty.  It's easier to imagine how much more convincing President Clinton would have been had he used this gesture instead of the one he used when talking about Monica Lewinsky....

and what if you want to convey intelligence?

Steepling of your hands conveys intelligence, confidence and thoughtfulness.

Those are just some of the gestures that great speakers use to become more persuasive.    And of course the most successful politicians are the most practiced at using them.  

Finally I will leave you with this gesture and I'm pretty darn sure it needs no explanation...

A magical motivator

That was easy!

Have you ever had a great idea and then forgot about it, only to re-discover it again?   Here's mine..

When I published my first book, 'How To Seduce Life' a friend gave me one of those easy buttons from Staples.  She said, 'you want life to be fun, easy and abundant' so here is your easy button.   Amusing.

Then I was playing with it one day and had an idea.   What if each time I do something on my to do list, I get to hit the button.   What the heck, why not try it.   And of course I did not allow myself to touch it for no other reason other than the completion of something on my list.

I tried it for a week and darn if it didn't work!   I got obsessed with earning the right to hit the stupid button and hear that voice say, 'that was easy'.   I was doing more in the mornings than I normally did all day.

One day I told a teacher friend about my goofy idea.   I asked him, why don't you try it on your students?  After the students complete some task, they get to come up to the front of the class and hit the button.  He said, ok if you buy me a button.   That's the problem with my teacher friend; short arms and deep pockets.  I went to Staples and bought him one.

A few days later he phoned me and said, 'I hate to admit it Edweirdo but you were right, the damn thing works like a charm.   The kids love it and will focus like a pigion on a french fry to finish the task just so they can run up to the front of the class and hit your stupid button.

Why it works..

Because completing a task and then hitting the button gives you a shot of dopamine (one of the feel good neurochemicals). It's fun.  Giving grown ups monetary rewards or kids cookies to motivate them wears off because the fun quickly goes away and its back to status boring.  Rewards and punishments are two sides of the same coin.  Both have a negative effect because they are manipulative.

Watching a team sports game I got wondering about motivates the athletes.  Sure there is the end prize, a championship.   However, only one team wins it all.   Teams have a ton of little celebrations.   Scoring goals or touchdowns are examples.  However, have you ever noticed players high fiving each others, giving fist bumps and pats on the bum?   These are the mini-celebrations that motivate players to risk hurting their bodies to help the team win.

What kind of mini-celebrations do you during a normal work day?   Yeah, just what I thought; none or damn few.   No wonder so few people operate no where near optimal performance at work.   And what if there is no one around to give the pat on the back for a job well done?

It is anticipation of the mini-celebration that releases the dopamine.    So my easy button is my mini-celebration.   It feels good to spank that baby when I check off another item off my to do list.

So what did I do with my breakthrough idea?

I went on an extended holiday and forgot about it.  Idiot.  Two days ago, I opened a drawer and spied the easy button.  Then it all flooded back to me.   So I repeated my little experiment.  Same results.  Got more done on my 'to do list' in the morning than I was normally doing all day.  That was easy!  Ok, I admit it, I'm a slow learner.  Now my plan is to continue with it and see how long it continues to work for me.  Maybe, I can finally get my book done.  

Now I'm thinking..

What if I had a button that I could record messages on?  So if the message 'that was easy' wore off, I could change the message?  Or better yet, multiple messages so that it is a surprise which message I will get? Maybe I could get some lady with a sexy excited voice  to record....'Yahoo handsome you did it again!' or 'Yeah baby you're the best'   Ok, got a little carried away.  Probably not a good idea if any co-workers or your boss heard that.

And now that I've completed writing this article, I can cross it off my to do list and go spank that button.  That was easy!

I'm done with hard and difficult

I'm done with hard and difficult

Imagine that you are on this tropical beach laying in that hammock. It is a beautiful sunny day with a gentle breeze off of the ocean. You are warm, relaxed and peaceful. The sun feels sooo good on your body. You are totally contented and happy. Swaying gently in your hammock the thought occurs to you, if I have any problems I can't remember them. Live is good and you are at total peace with yourself in this warm tropical paradise.

Now think about me the writer (that would be me). How do you feel about me?  Odds are that if you really allowed yourself to imagine being in that hammock on the beach that you will feel positive about me. Just by imagining being warm and relaxed improves your feelings about me or anyone else you immediately come into contact with.

So why am I telling you this? Because the feeling of warmth is very seductive. If you want to persuade someone to or to buy your product or service you should always try to warm them up first. This is a persuasion technique called priming. It is priming you with a good feeling before introducing any request.

I'm not saying that you should bring them pictures of tropical beaches (but it might help). There are many ways to warm up a person. Here are a few...

Give them a hot drink. Researchers found that just holding a hot drink (without drinking it) caused people to feel warmer towards others. They also found that when people were given a hot drink they became more generous and more likely to give. So you want your sweetie to do something for you, give them a hot drink first.

A warm handshake warms both of you. Now if you live in a cold climate you need to ensure that you warm up your hands before shaking hands with someone. If you know are going to be introduced to someone, you can discretely warm up your hands. Just rub your hands together rapidly. They won't know why but they will instantly feel a closer bond with you by shaking a warm hand. Cool huh?

TIP.....Imagine you are about to meet someone.  Before you are introduced hold a hot cup of coffee in your right hand. Just before you shake hands transfer the cup to your left hand.  Your hand will be nice and warm. Sub consciously the other person will just assume you to be a warm person because we all know that warm hands equal a warm heart, right?  That first impression is so powerful and research says...lasting. Try it!

Who doesn't love a good hug? Sadly there are a very few who don't like to be touched but not many. The problem is its not a good idea to hug people you just met in a business situation. But if you are going to persuade someone you know and you can safely hug them they will melt in agreement. Just thinking about this makes me want a hug?

I know a business lady who hugs her clients whenever they meet. They love her and wouldn't dream of taking their business elsewhere. Because...

"When you earn your business with the best price, product or service...you might lose that business if someone else has a better price, product or service. But if they really like you....you really have to screw up before they go elsewhere"

A great smile will warm any heart. You've got it so use it! It's darn near impossible to resist returning a great smile.

Warm words. Researchers found that when bell hops went to carry bags from a room for guests that if they mentioned it was a beautiful sunny day their tips increased. Just talking about a sunny day was enough to warm up the other person. So words matter. Oh, by the way did I mention its going to be a beautiful sunny day today? And how would you feel about buying me a Baileys and coffee?

And finally....

That's right....its good to have beautiful sunny images to warm up you and your clients. Researchers have found that just by looking at pictures like the one above it also makes you more creative. So right now my desktop background picture is this one.

Now that I've warmed you up to my ideas, did you know that I love teaching others how to become....'Powerfully Persuasive'?

Contact me at edsemail@shaw.ca and lets talk if you want to laugh and learn at your next event?

Self talk....the good, the bad and the ugly

"I know those voices in my head are crazy but sometimes they have some really good ideas"

First the good news!  

We all talk to ourselves and the smart one's occasionally talk to themselves, out loud. Knowing how to engage and control those voices in our head can make us smarter, confident and motivated.   I know it sounds delusional, but it works.   Stay tuned and I'll explain. 

Next the ugly!

Some of us beat ourselves up mentally with out self talk or engage in an inner dialogue we can't win. We beat ourselves up when we are being self critical.  That's like when you say to yourself; I am such an idiot, I can't believe I just did that.  I'm never going to able to drop those pounds, it's just too hard. Or, I just can't do it, its too damn hard.  I know that you already know, you shouldn't do that.   Relax, it's just a habit and lucky for us an easy one to break.

First you need to identify that voice in your head for what it is, a bully.  The bully in your brain wants to make you feel bad.   It wants to demoralize you and make you want to crawl into a bed, bottle or drugs to escape your torment.   Bullies like to find you when you are at your weakest and make you feel worthless.

The easy solution is to repeal and replace the bully in your brain  with a compassionate wise voice.  That could be the voice of someone you like, trust and respect. It could be grandma, grandpa or a fictional character.   For me it's Morgan Freeman the actor.   He often plays characters that are wise and compassionate.  He even played God in one the role.  I love that guy.

When I start to feel anxious before a big presentation, I can hear Morgan in my head saying...'ok Edward that's not anxiety you are feeling, it's excitement.  You are well prepared and you are going to knock their socks off.   Just have fun and be yourself'.  Or when I've screwed up Morgan might say...Edward you screwed up and that's ok because everyone screws up.   It's human nature.  I know you will do better next time.

Why it works?

The harder to try to not hear the bully in your head, the more the jerk comes back.  It's like when I say, don't think of cute pink puppies.   Try not to think of cute pink puppies and you'll see its damn near impossible.   The more you try not to see them the more you see those damn pink puppies.  See what I mean?

So first recognize the bully.  Say to yourself, 'ok bully, I am so (insert your own strong word here) done with you.  Then invite the wise compassionate one to do the talking.   I call it, repeal and replace.  Turns out the fools who made fun of your imaginary friends when you were a child, were the real fools.

Finally the bad!  (Or how the self help Guru's screwed us)

The self help industry is a billion dollar plus business predicated on positive self talk and positive affirmations that don't work!  Here's the truth about positive affirmations..

"Positive affirmations are like lottery tickets.  It's fun to dream of being a winner but the odds against you are astronomical"

Sometimes it's not just that they don't work but they can actually back fire and make matters worse.   Imagine me telling myself something like this, 'I can do it.  I can write a best selling book and make a fortune'. Here's what happens when I do that.    I get into an argument with myself.  Then that voice in my head says, 'yeah right, do you know how many books don't become best sellers?  One in millions.  The odds against me are millions to one'.   Not helpful!

How many times have you seen others pass around affirmations like the one above?  And the next time you see them did that person become; amazing, astonishing, brilliant, beautiful and so on?   When you say those things to yourself if you are  like me you start thinking; feels good but I don't really think I'm all of those things (except for maybe the sexy one).

The easy solution is to change the 'I' to 'You' and get a little more realistic.

The reason 'I' doesn't work is because it triggers your conscious rational brain.   It starts countering your affirmations with thoughts like; you're not so brave. Remember that time you chicken out and didn't ask for the date, or if you're so smart how come you're always broke.

Replace your self talk with 'You' and it feels like someone else is saying it to you.   Which do you think would be more believable, someone you love saying, 'you can do this, I believe in you' or you saying, 'I can do this because I believe in me'? It means more and you are less likely to challenge the statement when it comes from someone else.  Changing the I to You, triggers your feelings or your non-conscious mind.   If you remember the principle of 'Emotions and Logic' you will remember it is feeling and emotions that cause us to act and not logical thinking.

So the next time you want to create a change in yourself instead of saying,  I only eat healthy foods and exercise every day.  Change it to,  Edward you choose healthy foods and exercise because you know its what is best for your body.  You can improve a little each day.

The good (and I mean it, this is really good)

Forget about self esteem.   Self esteem in a result of your good behaviour and not a catalyst for change. We've all heard people say if you felt more self confident, you would see immediate improvement etc.
High self esteem has done more to increase narcissism than it has success.  Self esteem is either delusional or contingent on successful behavior.   Sooner or later we all fail at something and our self esteem takes a tumble.   That's human nature.  Self esteem is conditional.    So what do we repeal and replace it with?

Self compassion!

You need that warm compassionate voice of someone you like and trust like;  grandma, grandpa or Morgan Freeman.  You need that voice telling you, 'yeah, you screwed up and we all do.  That's ok, it's human nature to screw up.   You can do better next time.  And anyway, Edward you are still sexy'.   (sorry for that last part, I just can't help myself)

Self compassion is the secret sauce of happy, healthy successful people.  If you are going to have voices in your head, limit it to the one's who are compassionate.  You don't need loud booming voices trying to get you to believe something you know is BS.  You want voices that care and understand.   You want a cheerleader that encourages you do a little better because you can.

Repeal and replace the bully in your brain with a wise compassionate cheerleader!

BONUS..

Did you know that talking out loud to yourself it can make you smarter?

I have two friends who do this all of the time.  Rob is highly successful business man.   I've witnessed him many times talking to himself out loud when he is trying to create or solve a problem.  At first, I thought he was a little off his rocker but his results speak for themselves.  Ok, I still think he's a little off his rocker but not because he talks out loud to himself.

Roy is a master of anything mechanical.   It doesn't matter if it's a boat or car motor.  If it's mechanical he can probably find the problem and fix it.  Like Rob, when he is in problem solving mode he talks to himself out loud.   The guy is amazing.

Talking to yourself out loud also gives a big boost to your memory.  When I am preparing for a talk, I will sometimes go for a walk and talk it out loud.   It also helps my memory to use gestures as I would when giving a talk.  Of course, I shut up if I see someone approaching me.  I don't want them calling for a cop to take the crazy guy who talks to himself and waves his hands around, to the looney bin.

Want to learn a new skill?  Talk out loud to yourself because it improves your concentration and retention.

I've even learned that when I'm proof reading my writing, it helps to read it back out loud.   I often pick up errors I would otherwise have missed.

and one more...

The very best world class athletes always talk to themselves.  Do you want to know what is the most common thing they say?   You can do better!   When they pushing themselves, they say to themselves; 'you an do better'.   After a disappointing outcome they say to themselves;  'you can do better'.   Not, 'I can do better'.

To sum it up...

Those voices in your head can be your best friends provided you choose them wisely.   And remember to tell yourself.....Bully in my brain, I am so freakin' done with you!

  

You know how when you hear an idea so damn good that it knocks your socks off...

Well I'm going to share a brilliant  idea that takes only a few minutes to create and will give you all of these benefits...

1)  Create a dynamite elevator speech

2)  Define your brand

3)  Overcome objections

4)  The perfect response to:   what do you (or your company) do?

5)  Develop a repeatable message that defines your dramatic difference.

6)  Get that job you want

And as a result you will feel confident telling a compelling story that will grow your business and influence with others.  Plus if you are a business owner or manager you can teach it to your employees and turn everyone into a powerful spokesperson for the company.

Here is the magic formula.   (Ok it's not magic, it is based on psychology but it works like magic)

You know how (insert name) when_______________________and then______________________.

Well...___________________________________________________________________________.

And the result is_________________________________because___________________________.


Now let's have some fun and see how it works...

1.   Kyle has an office supply business...

"So you know how Lori when you need some new office equipment and then you just don't have the time to do extensive research to find out what is the best product available at the best possible price?

Well, we do that for you.    We identify the ideal equipment for the job,  search for the best possible price, deliver it to your door and install it.

The result is...you save time and money because we do the work for you"

P.S.   This technique is just as effective with a product as it is a service.


2.  JP is applying for a job where other applicants have more qualifications than him...

"So you know how Dan when you hire someone with the best qualifications and then they meet but never exceed your  expectations?

Well, I am the kind of person who loves to learn,  find ways to get the  job done quicker and be constantly  looking for ways to save money doing it.

The result is my potential exceeds my qualifications because I am constantly curious"

P.S.   Imagine if you were an employer and you saw this on a covering letter or heard it in a job interview?   I know it would knock my socks off.


3.   And of course I use it myself...

"So you know Rob when you hire a motivational speaker and they get everyone cranked up and excited and then a month later it wears off and everyone goes back to doing what they've always done?

Well I do more than that!     I  get people excited about some fun and easy ways to become 'powerfully persuasive'.  My techniques are based on the latest cutting edge research in psychology that have been proven to work.

The result is; sales go up, communication skills are dramatically improved and the effect is long lasting because they see immediate results and have fun doing it.

Why this technique is so powerful...

1.   It creates a short story.  It's in our DNA to be drawn in by stories.   Long before humans developed written language we learned through stories.   Stories stir the imagination and lower resistance to ideas.

2.  By inserting the name of the  person you are trying to persuade it become personal to them.

3.  Adding a 'because' at the end is a proven psychology technique that makes your short story more believable.  'Because' followed by a reason tells the other person that they are worthy of an explanation.

4.  It is short and concise.    We like that.

Soooo....you know how when you hear or read about a great idea and say to yourself,  'I'm going to try that'  and then you procrastinate and forget about it.

Well I don't want you to waste a great opportunity so why not pick up your pen right now and try it.  Because it works like magic!

P.S.  If you like this half as much as me, do me a favor and hit the f button below and share it with  your facebook friends because it will make me very happy.    And feel free to leave a comment, thanks!