"I know those voices in my head are crazy but sometimes they have some really good ideas"
First the good news!
We all talk to ourselves and the smart one's occasionally talk to themselves, out loud. Knowing how to engage and control those voices in our head can make us smarter, confident and motivated. I know it sounds delusional, but it works. Stay tuned and I'll explain.
Next the ugly!
Some of us beat ourselves up mentally with out self talk or engage in an inner dialogue we can't win. We beat ourselves up when we are being self critical. That's like when you say to yourself; I am such an idiot, I can't believe I just did that. I'm never going to able to drop those pounds, it's just too hard. Or, I just can't do it, its too damn hard. I know that you already know, you shouldn't do that. Relax, it's just a habit and lucky for us an easy one to break.
First you need to identify that voice in your head for what it is, a bully. The bully in your brain wants to make you feel bad. It wants to demoralize you and make you want to crawl into a bed, bottle or drugs to escape your torment. Bullies like to find you when you are at your weakest and make you feel worthless.
The easy solution is to repeal and replace the bully in your brain with a compassionate wise voice. That could be the voice of someone you like, trust and respect. It could be grandma, grandpa or a fictional character. For me it's Morgan Freeman the actor. He often plays characters that are wise and compassionate. He even played God in one the role. I love that guy.
When I start to feel anxious before a big presentation, I can hear Morgan in my head saying...'ok Edward that's not anxiety you are feeling, it's excitement. You are well prepared and you are going to knock their socks off. Just have fun and be yourself'. Or when I've screwed up Morgan might say...Edward you screwed up and that's ok because everyone screws up. It's human nature. I know you will do better next time.
Why it works?
The harder to try to not hear the bully in your head, the more the jerk comes back. It's like when I say, don't think of cute pink puppies. Try not to think of cute pink puppies and you'll see its damn near impossible. The more you try not to see them the more you see those damn pink puppies. See what I mean?
So first recognize the bully. Say to yourself, 'ok bully, I am so (insert your own strong word here) done with you. Then invite the wise compassionate one to do the talking. I call it, repeal and replace. Turns out the fools who made fun of your imaginary friends when you were a child, were the real fools.
Finally the bad! (Or how the self help Guru's screwed us)
The self help industry is a billion dollar plus business predicated on positive self talk and positive affirmations that don't work! Here's the truth about positive affirmations..
Some of us beat ourselves up mentally with out self talk or engage in an inner dialogue we can't win. We beat ourselves up when we are being self critical. That's like when you say to yourself; I am such an idiot, I can't believe I just did that. I'm never going to able to drop those pounds, it's just too hard. Or, I just can't do it, its too damn hard. I know that you already know, you shouldn't do that. Relax, it's just a habit and lucky for us an easy one to break.
First you need to identify that voice in your head for what it is, a bully. The bully in your brain wants to make you feel bad. It wants to demoralize you and make you want to crawl into a bed, bottle or drugs to escape your torment. Bullies like to find you when you are at your weakest and make you feel worthless.
The easy solution is to repeal and replace the bully in your brain with a compassionate wise voice. That could be the voice of someone you like, trust and respect. It could be grandma, grandpa or a fictional character. For me it's Morgan Freeman the actor. He often plays characters that are wise and compassionate. He even played God in one the role. I love that guy.
When I start to feel anxious before a big presentation, I can hear Morgan in my head saying...'ok Edward that's not anxiety you are feeling, it's excitement. You are well prepared and you are going to knock their socks off. Just have fun and be yourself'. Or when I've screwed up Morgan might say...Edward you screwed up and that's ok because everyone screws up. It's human nature. I know you will do better next time.
Why it works?
The harder to try to not hear the bully in your head, the more the jerk comes back. It's like when I say, don't think of cute pink puppies. Try not to think of cute pink puppies and you'll see its damn near impossible. The more you try not to see them the more you see those damn pink puppies. See what I mean?
So first recognize the bully. Say to yourself, 'ok bully, I am so (insert your own strong word here) done with you. Then invite the wise compassionate one to do the talking. I call it, repeal and replace. Turns out the fools who made fun of your imaginary friends when you were a child, were the real fools.
Finally the bad! (Or how the self help Guru's screwed us)
The self help industry is a billion dollar plus business predicated on positive self talk and positive affirmations that don't work! Here's the truth about positive affirmations..
"Positive affirmations are like lottery tickets. It's fun to dream of being a winner but the odds against you are astronomical"
Sometimes it's not just that they don't work but they can actually back fire and make matters worse. Imagine me telling myself something like this, 'I can do it. I can write a best selling book and make a fortune'. Here's what happens when I do that. I get into an argument with myself. Then that voice in my head says, 'yeah right, do you know how many books don't become best sellers? One in millions. The odds against me are millions to one'. Not helpful!
How many times have you seen others pass around affirmations like the one above? And the next time you see them did that person become; amazing, astonishing, brilliant, beautiful and so on? When you say those things to yourself if you are like me you start thinking; feels good but I don't really think I'm all of those things (except for maybe the sexy one).
The easy solution is to change the 'I' to 'You' and get a little more realistic.
The reason 'I' doesn't work is because it triggers your conscious rational brain. It starts countering your affirmations with thoughts like; you're not so brave. Remember that time you chicken out and didn't ask for the date, or if you're so smart how come you're always broke.
Replace your self talk with 'You' and it feels like someone else is saying it to you. Which do you think would be more believable, someone you love saying, 'you can do this, I believe in you' or you saying, 'I can do this because I believe in me'? It means more and you are less likely to challenge the statement when it comes from someone else. Changing the I to You, triggers your feelings or your non-conscious mind. If you remember the principle of 'Emotions and Logic' you will remember it is feeling and emotions that cause us to act and not logical thinking.
So the next time you want to create a change in yourself instead of saying, I only eat healthy foods and exercise every day. Change it to, Edward you choose healthy foods and exercise because you know its what is best for your body. You can improve a little each day.
The good (and I mean it, this is really good)
Forget about self esteem. Self esteem in a result of your good behaviour and not a catalyst for change. We've all heard people say if you felt more self confident, you would see immediate improvement etc.
High self esteem has done more to increase narcissism than it has success. Self esteem is either delusional or contingent on successful behavior. Sooner or later we all fail at something and our self esteem takes a tumble. That's human nature. Self esteem is conditional. So what do we repeal and replace it with?
Self compassion!
You need that warm compassionate voice of someone you like and trust like; grandma, grandpa or Morgan Freeman. You need that voice telling you, 'yeah, you screwed up and we all do. That's ok, it's human nature to screw up. You can do better next time. And anyway, Edward you are still sexy'. (sorry for that last part, I just can't help myself)
Self compassion is the secret sauce of happy, healthy successful people. If you are going to have voices in your head, limit it to the one's who are compassionate. You don't need loud booming voices trying to get you to believe something you know is BS. You want voices that care and understand. You want a cheerleader that encourages you do a little better because you can.
Repeal and replace the bully in your brain with a wise compassionate cheerleader!
BONUS..
Did you know that talking out loud to yourself it can make you smarter?
I have two friends who do this all of the time. Rob is highly successful business man. I've witnessed him many times talking to himself out loud when he is trying to create or solve a problem. At first, I thought he was a little off his rocker but his results speak for themselves. Ok, I still think he's a little off his rocker but not because he talks out loud to himself.
Roy is a master of anything mechanical. It doesn't matter if it's a boat or car motor. If it's mechanical he can probably find the problem and fix it. Like Rob, when he is in problem solving mode he talks to himself out loud. The guy is amazing.
Talking to yourself out loud also gives a big boost to your memory. When I am preparing for a talk, I will sometimes go for a walk and talk it out loud. It also helps my memory to use gestures as I would when giving a talk. Of course, I shut up if I see someone approaching me. I don't want them calling for a cop to take the crazy guy who talks to himself and waves his hands around, to the looney bin.
Want to learn a new skill? Talk out loud to yourself because it improves your concentration and retention.
I've even learned that when I'm proof reading my writing, it helps to read it back out loud. I often pick up errors I would otherwise have missed.
and one more...
The very best world class athletes always talk to themselves. Do you want to know what is the most common thing they say? You can do better! When they pushing themselves, they say to themselves; 'you an do better'. After a disappointing outcome they say to themselves; 'you can do better'. Not, 'I can do better'.
To sum it up...
Those voices in your head can be your best friends provided you choose them wisely. And remember to tell yourself.....Bully in my brain, I am so freakin' done with you!
Sometimes it's not just that they don't work but they can actually back fire and make matters worse. Imagine me telling myself something like this, 'I can do it. I can write a best selling book and make a fortune'. Here's what happens when I do that. I get into an argument with myself. Then that voice in my head says, 'yeah right, do you know how many books don't become best sellers? One in millions. The odds against me are millions to one'. Not helpful!
How many times have you seen others pass around affirmations like the one above? And the next time you see them did that person become; amazing, astonishing, brilliant, beautiful and so on? When you say those things to yourself if you are like me you start thinking; feels good but I don't really think I'm all of those things (except for maybe the sexy one).
The easy solution is to change the 'I' to 'You' and get a little more realistic.
The reason 'I' doesn't work is because it triggers your conscious rational brain. It starts countering your affirmations with thoughts like; you're not so brave. Remember that time you chicken out and didn't ask for the date, or if you're so smart how come you're always broke.
Replace your self talk with 'You' and it feels like someone else is saying it to you. Which do you think would be more believable, someone you love saying, 'you can do this, I believe in you' or you saying, 'I can do this because I believe in me'? It means more and you are less likely to challenge the statement when it comes from someone else. Changing the I to You, triggers your feelings or your non-conscious mind. If you remember the principle of 'Emotions and Logic' you will remember it is feeling and emotions that cause us to act and not logical thinking.
So the next time you want to create a change in yourself instead of saying, I only eat healthy foods and exercise every day. Change it to, Edward you choose healthy foods and exercise because you know its what is best for your body. You can improve a little each day.
The good (and I mean it, this is really good)
Forget about self esteem. Self esteem in a result of your good behaviour and not a catalyst for change. We've all heard people say if you felt more self confident, you would see immediate improvement etc.
High self esteem has done more to increase narcissism than it has success. Self esteem is either delusional or contingent on successful behavior. Sooner or later we all fail at something and our self esteem takes a tumble. That's human nature. Self esteem is conditional. So what do we repeal and replace it with?
Self compassion!
You need that warm compassionate voice of someone you like and trust like; grandma, grandpa or Morgan Freeman. You need that voice telling you, 'yeah, you screwed up and we all do. That's ok, it's human nature to screw up. You can do better next time. And anyway, Edward you are still sexy'. (sorry for that last part, I just can't help myself)
Self compassion is the secret sauce of happy, healthy successful people. If you are going to have voices in your head, limit it to the one's who are compassionate. You don't need loud booming voices trying to get you to believe something you know is BS. You want voices that care and understand. You want a cheerleader that encourages you do a little better because you can.
Repeal and replace the bully in your brain with a wise compassionate cheerleader!
BONUS..
Did you know that talking out loud to yourself it can make you smarter?
I have two friends who do this all of the time. Rob is highly successful business man. I've witnessed him many times talking to himself out loud when he is trying to create or solve a problem. At first, I thought he was a little off his rocker but his results speak for themselves. Ok, I still think he's a little off his rocker but not because he talks out loud to himself.
Roy is a master of anything mechanical. It doesn't matter if it's a boat or car motor. If it's mechanical he can probably find the problem and fix it. Like Rob, when he is in problem solving mode he talks to himself out loud. The guy is amazing.
Talking to yourself out loud also gives a big boost to your memory. When I am preparing for a talk, I will sometimes go for a walk and talk it out loud. It also helps my memory to use gestures as I would when giving a talk. Of course, I shut up if I see someone approaching me. I don't want them calling for a cop to take the crazy guy who talks to himself and waves his hands around, to the looney bin.
Want to learn a new skill? Talk out loud to yourself because it improves your concentration and retention.
I've even learned that when I'm proof reading my writing, it helps to read it back out loud. I often pick up errors I would otherwise have missed.
and one more...
The very best world class athletes always talk to themselves. Do you want to know what is the most common thing they say? You can do better! When they pushing themselves, they say to themselves; 'you an do better'. After a disappointing outcome they say to themselves; 'you can do better'. Not, 'I can do better'.
To sum it up...
Those voices in your head can be your best friends provided you choose them wisely. And remember to tell yourself.....Bully in my brain, I am so freakin' done with you!
