7 simple ways to viewed as a leader

7 Simple ways to viewed as a leader..

1.  Be the first to speak.   Leaders step up and speak out.   When others see you do that they assume you are a leader.

2.  Introduce yourself first.   When meeting someone new confident people are usually the first to introduce themselves and extend their hand for a handshake.   Be sure to give a warm firm handshake.

3.  Introduce others.   Leaders display their confidence by introducing other people.   It helps to tell the third party something about the person you are introducing (preferably some sort to compliment)

4.  Be a public praiser.   You will win friends and influence people when you praise others in public.   When you praise others in public they will assume you are in an authority position.

5.  Touch others.   Whether it is a handshake or pat on the back, leaders tend to touch others physically as well as emotionally.  (and only appropriately of course)

6.  Look the part.   When deciding whether someone is a leader we automatically ask ourselves do they look like a leader?   Yes, that is shallow I know.  However, we can't help ourselves we are prone to looking for a stereotype.   Is your stereotype that of a leader?

7.  Lots of eye contact.    Leaders are bold and not shy about making eye contact.   It conveys confidence and when accompanied with a warm smile can even cause people to see you as charismatic.  

Why email and texting is so darn ineffective?

"Email and texting has made communication easy, efficient and ineffective"

This blows my mind...

UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian in his research found that what works best in human communication.     

7%    of a message is derived from the words spoken

38%  from the voice intonation

55%  from your facial expressions and body language

In other words the majority of communication is not carried by our words alone.

Using those figures from his research, here is the potential for the various forms of communication:

Texting and emails:     7%

Phone call:                45%

Face to face:           100%

Of course this depends on how you present your communications.    Just being face to face doesn't mean you will be able to persuade someone but as you can see it dramatically increases your odds.   

Requests are easy to either ignore or refuse when made by texting or emails.   They are harder to ignore or refuse with a personal phone call and really hard to ignore or refuse when face to face.   Why is that?

1.   The more personal the form of communicaton the  easier it is to read all the forms of communication (words, intonation and body language).

2.   The more personal the request the harder it is to say no.   The more distance from the presenter or requester the less personal it is and  the easier it is to ignore or refuse.  Simple!   And that is why I say...

Let me be clear I am not saying that you should not be professional.   Of course you should.  Your clients expect it and your competitors  are working hard to deliver it as well.   What I am saying is that the more personal your message the higher the likely hood you will get what you want.  

So the lesson here is....move the conversation offline when possible.   By far the best way to get your way is to get face to face because it is much harder to say no when they are looking you in the eye.  And if you can't do that, then the next best is to phone or video conference with your client.  

You have no idea how powerful a compliment can be?

"Some people are so stingy with their compliments you would think it was coming straight out their bank account"

Being appreciated is one the basic needs of humans.   Nothing makes us feel more appreciated than a genuine compliment.   So why are people so stingy with their compliments?  It doesn't cost a penny and yet can flood the recipient with the feel good hormone oxytocin.   And that's just the tip of the iceburg.   Here are some of the other benefits of a sincere compliment....

1.  Increase your likeability

2.  Lower resistance to your requests or persuasions

3.  Make the giver of the compliment appear to be confident and even more powerful

4.  Help to personalize a relationship

5.  As Shakespeare said....the scent of the rose clings to the giver (or something like that)

6.  And perhaps best of all it can cause the other person to induce reciprocity..

Understanding reciprocity and compliments..

A sincere compliment can make the receiver want to do something nice in return (reciprocity).   Let me tell you a little story..

Several years ago I was booking a flight for a holiday in Mexico.   I couldn't book the flight online as I usually do because I was also booking for a friend was coming from another city and we would be sharing the same room.   So I called the airline to book our flights and hotel room.   

The problem was the airline was in the process of changing their booking system and long story short, everything was screwed up.    So the biggest challenge I faced was getting through to an agent.   For 2 days I kept being put on hold for hours and could not get through a live human.   GRRRRRRR....

On the third day I finally got to talk to an agent named Melissa.   My frustration got the best of me and I started to unloaded that frustration upon her.   A minute or so later I realized that I was being a jerk because it wasn't her fault the system was so messed up.  So I apologized and she proceeded to solve all of my issues (well at least the one's related to my holiday plans haha).

When everything was done I said to her.....Melissa I must say you have been awesome.   You've been more than kind and patient than I deserved and I must also say that you have a sweet voice and give off such a warm positive energy that I've enjoyed talking to you.   Yah, I know an awesome compliment, right?

The compliment was sincere and certainly not intended for anything other than to be my way of saying thanks.   Melissa got a little emotional and then told me what a day from hell she was having dealing with so many frustrated people.    I asked for her managers contact information so I could pass on the compliment to her boss for her  superior customer skills.

End of the story....nope!   Five minutes after I hung up Melissa called back to tell me she had notified the hotel to ask for VIP status.  I didn't know what that meant but of course I thanked her.

On the flight to Mexico the attendant offered me and my companion free drinks...nice.   When we got to the hotel there was flowers and a bottle of wine in the room and a personal welcoming note from the Hotel manager. We were also given a free room upgrade  Plus a gift certificate for supper at the hotel.   Sweet.

So my queston is....why would anyone be stingy with their compliments?

One more thing..

Studies show that even false flattery works.   I'm certainly not recommending that however it does show how powerful compliments can be.  

Here is one the best compliments I ever got...

And finally I will have one for you...

Pssst....If you liked this please do me a favour and hit the f button below to share it with your facebook friends....thanks!

The secret to knowing whether someone likes you!

"The quickest and easiest way to know if someone likes you is if they laugh at your jokes"

Think about it.  That annoying guy at work, when he cracks a joke do you laugh?    That guy you have no interest in that keeps hitting on you, do you laugh at his jokes?   That narcissistic woman who you feel disdain for and is full of herself, do you laugh at her little cracks?    

Oh sure we can fake a chuckle when the boss makes a joke however it's obviously not sincere.   And guess what?   Others can see your fake chuckle.  

So if you want to know whether your client likes you?     How easily is it for them to laugh at your witty remarks?

 What are the best kind jokes and witty remarks to make?    Yep, self deprecating jokes are the safest kind to make.    Being able to laugh at yourself is actually a display of self confidence (as long as you do it sparingly).   Over due it and you might lose respect.  

If you and the other person can share a good laugh together then you can be comfortable knowing that they like you!   It's just that easy!

When we laugb we release the hormone oxytocin into our body.   Oxytocin if the feel good hormore that leads to bonding.    Mothers and babies are flooded with oxytocin at birth which causes them to bond.   A good hug release oxytocin and so does laughing.   Oxytocin lowers our resistance to others and causes us to trust others.  

Just seeing others smile and laugh releases oxytocin.   So......

  

   

Can using gestures make you more persuasive?

Whether you are making a speech, giving a presentation or trying to persuade someone to your point of view, understanding how to use gestures can make you more persuasive.    As you can see from this chart the experts tell us that body language (which includes gestures) is the most important element in being powerfully persuasive...

Here are the most important gestures and what they mean..

Hands at a 90 degree angle and fingers together conveys confidence in what you are saying.

Hands open with palms down means you are certain about what  you are saying.

Hands open with palms up means you are asking for something from your audience.

Hands open with palms at a 45 degree angle means you are being open and honest.

Hands to your chest or on your heart is meant to convey honesty.  It's easier to imagine how much more convincing President Clinton would have been had he used this gesture instead of the one he used when talking about Monica Lewinsky....

and what if you want to convey intelligence?

Steepling of your hands conveys intelligence and thoughtfullness.

Those are just some of the gestures that great speakers use to become more persuasive.    And of course politicians are the most practiced at using them.   Yeah, I know what you are thinking?   They need all the help they can get, right?

And finally I will leave you with this gesture and I'm pretty darn sure it needs no explanation...

I had no idea how powerful eye contact can be?

"Profound eye contact can have a profound impact on people"

Our eyes are a major part of our non-verbal communication and perhaps the most important part.  It starts when we are babies and are bonding with our parents.   That eye contact conveys love and empathy.   We crave it all of our lives.   Done properly it can make you very persuasive.  

10 things good eye contact can do for you...

1.  Appear to be confident and competent

2.  Make you more likeable 

3.  Perceived as being trustworthy and sincere

4.  Appear to be attentive and appreciative

5.  More powerful

6.  Attractive

7.  Believable

8.  Appear to be wiser and smarter

9.  Charismatic

10. Empathetic

That's a pretty impressive list of benefits don't you think?   But of course we need to know how to do it right or we could end up creeping out or scaring someone off.   

6 things less eye contact will cause people to think of you...

1.  Distrustful

2.  Suspicious

3.  Lacking confidence

4.  Impersonal

5.  Uninterested

6.  Inattentive

Here's how to get it right..

Most people maintain eye contact around 70% of the time when they are talking and only 40% of the time when they are listening.   Not good!   We should strive to have eye contact 70-80% of the time both when we are talking and when we are listening.   If we were to maintain 100% eye contact it would be oft putting to the other person.  It would be just too stressful.   

Don't stare, that comes off as creepy and scary.   A soft focus relaxes our eyes and face.   This makes the other person more comfortable.   Accompanied by a smile and it can even feel charismatic.  

How to tell if someone likes you?

Our pupils dilate in darker light and when we see someone or something we like.    We can't control this, which is why you see card players wearing sunglasses in a bright room.   They want to hide their eyes so others can't read them.   So to know if someone is seeing or hearing something they really like, look to see if their pupils are dilating.   Cool, huh?

How to tell when someone is not buying what you are sellling...

When we don't like what we are hearing or seeing we tend to look away.   Yeah I know it's not fair however we are programmed to give more eye contact to attractive people and less to ugly people.   And if I like one product more than another, I can't stop myself from looking at it more.   So watch where their eyes go and it will tell you where their heart is.  

These are some of the techniques that mentalists use.   They appear to be reading your mind when they are actually reading your eyes.

What colour are their eyes?

Develop the habit of when you meet someone to look into their eyes to see what colour they are.   This will make them feel that you are giving them your full attention.   You will also find out that peoples eyes aren't just brown, blue or green.   They are a sea of shades of the dominant colour.   It's fascinating.  And as a bonus this will cause them to like you and bond quicker with you.  

A fascinating study...

A few weeks ago I was watching a program on PBS and they showing the results of a really fascinating study.   In the study they paired people off and had them look into each others eyes for 4 minutes.  They had the participants count the number of times the other person blinked.   This was just a ruse to help the people  get comfortable about looking into another persons eyes for a long time.

The results were amazing...

Everyone experienced an increase in likeability towards the other person.   Couples who had never met before felt attracted to the other person.  In some cases they later went on dates.

A couple that had been in a healthy relationship for 50 years was a really touching experience.   After the 4 minutes the husband started telling his wife how much she meant to him and how he wouldn't want to live without her.   The both teared up and started kissing and hugging.  Beautiful!

All who participated experienced increased trust and an interest in knowing more about the other person. 

Isn't that powerful?

Gut feelings..

People will often say, I just don't trust that person and I don't know why.   Or, I just don't feel right about so and so.    It may just be that you didn't give them sufficient eye contact.   They can't put their finger on it but it may just be that they are not getting the soft eye contact they crave.   Look back at that list of things less eye contact can cause people to experience?  And remember this...

Secrets of likeability and persuasion

"The idea of a self made man (or woman) is just one big myth"

It is possible to succeed without much help from others.   But that is a slow and painful process and rarely works.   The truth is that our success is most often determined by our interpersonal skills.   We need as many people as possible on our side and as few or better none working against us.   And we need the ability to persuade and influence others to help us reach our goals.

"Given the choice we prefer to do business with those we like"

Likeable traits such as honesty, dependability, respect cannot be just turned on and off.   Others are watching and if they see that you are nice when you want something and then dismissive to those who can do nothing for you, they form a negative opinion of you.  Sometimes all it takes is one person bad mouthing you behind your back to destroy an opportunity for you.

How can I improve my likeability and ability to persuade?

Seek the similarities

The more we have in common with someone the more likeable they think they are.   Every similaritiy counts.....

* are you from the same town
* do you cheer for the same team
* do you enjoy the same sports
* do you like the same movies, books or music
* do you like the same activities
* do you have kids the same age

The list could go on endlessly but you get the idea.    Find some similarities and your odds of being liked go up.   And as your likeability goes up so does your ability to persuade and influence. 

Mirror the other person

Mirroring the other person creates trust and comfort with you.   Here are some ways to mirror another person...

* mirror their body movements (make sure to pause 2-4 seconds before you mimic their movement or you'll be perceived as disingenuous.
* mirror voice...including pace, volume, vocabulary, expressions and tone

Mirroring is something lovers and close friends do quite naturally.   So when you mirror someone they start to feel that you have a connection with them.   Their resistance drops, they get comfortable with you and are open to your suggestions.

The Power of Touch

Yes I realize this is a touchy subject (pun intended).  But humans crave touch.  We frequently seek touch from those we like.   Understanding how to use touch can increase your likeablility and your persuasion powers.

Their is a safe zone for touch which is from the shoulder to the hand.    A hug or arm around the shoulders or waist is only appropriate with someone you already have a relationship with. 

How to use touch..

Warm up your hand when possible before shaking hands.   My favorite trick is hold a hot coffee in my hand.   That way when you shake hands your hand will be nice and warm.   You've heard the expression warm hands = warm heart.   Well psychologically that is exactly the message that gets conveyed.

Touch and request..

A manager who puts his hand on an employees shoulder and then asks him to do something has just drastically increased the odds that the job will get done quicker and better.    He is also creating a bond between himself/herself and the employee.  Likeability goes up as does respect.   We like those who seem to like us.   It's powerful stuff if used properly

Another variation is to make a request while shaking hands.  For instance, a salesperson might shake hands with a client and at the same time say something like this.....Thanks for giving me some of your time,  would you mind if I called your again next week Bill?    It is very difficult to say no to a request when you are making physical contact with another person.

It is very persuasive to use their name

This is the simpliest and yet proably one the most persuasive techniques you can use.   We love hearing our name spoken.   So start and end every conversation with a persons name.   When you use this method I guarantee you will notice a slight difference in the other person.   Your name is you!   So when you use another persons name frequently you are recognizing them as a person.   Powerful stuff for managers, sales staff and anyone who wants to persuade another. 

Remember....close with their name!   Whether it is a conversation, an email, letter or text end with the persons name.   You don't need to sign an email off with your name, they know who you are.   Instead close a conversation or email with something like this....I appreciate your time and I'll look forward to talking to you again Dan!

Have some fun...

It takes a lot of mental energy being around people who are too serious.   It is draining.   We seek and love levity.   Yes, there are times when we need to be serious but those are rare.   We love being around and doing business with those who are light hearted.   So have some fun!

I have lots more I could say but as Mark Twain said....a good talk (or article)  should be like a womans dress.   Long enough to cover the main points and short enough to maintain interest.   (sorry ladies I couldn't resist)